It's Harder to Sleep

It's harder to sleep.

It is 2:00 in the morning and I am awakened with a message on my heart that must be expressed.

Sorrow and joy, both endless and full, fill each moment and offer a choice.

"Which will you choose?"

I often choose joy. Lately, the overriding decision is sorrow. Is something wrong with me? Why does my heart feel heavy?

At odd moments of the day, I will feel moments of disembodiment, floating between time and space, wondering where I am.

"We're in a pandemic?"

"Someone else was lynched yesterday?"

"People are protesting in the streets?"

"A soul was hunted down like a dog and shot to death?"

"A soul was smothered and choked to death?"

"A soul was oblitered by bullets in the middle of the night... in the safe haven of her home... by mistake?"

"A soul was brutalized and beaten by the men we trust to protect us, shot up with a sedative, and left to die? This happened in my hometown?"

"Someone I love is spewing racist remarks and asking others for validation? Wait... someone I love is doing that?"

"Did that woman at the park really look at me with hatred in her eyes? What word did she just whisper to her family that they are also looking at me with contempt? They don't even know me..."

"Did that person just say that racism and supremacy don't exist?"

"You don't see color? Do you want to erase who I am?"

It is in these moments that sorrow overrides my joy. This happens more frequently now. Over night, the rose colored glasses have shattered.

I know that joy is always available. I know where to find my space of healing and peace. I know who I am and where love resides.

I also know that my inner peace does not override the stark reality of these events. My inner peace does not undo the injustice of these tragedies. Rather, it is the fuel of my soul that calls me to do more than just sit, watch, and wait for things to shift.

I now understand that the sorrow I feel is not wrong, unenlightened, nor is it imbalanced. It is the activation of my heart, reminding me of the depths of my love and my purpose as my sister's and brother's keeper.

I share all of this because perhaps it is also hard for you to sleep.

Perhaps you are also struck with more moments of sorrow these days, than joy.

Be not discouraged, do not despair. Know that your heart is being activated. Let your sorrow be a reminder of your deep capacity to love. It is your call to action. Know that your love is your gift of healing in this world.

Put it to work, you are needed here.

#MySistersKeeper #MyBrothersKeeper #LoveInAction #Juneteenth